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"When a child loses his parent, they are called an orphan. When a spouse loses her or his partner, they are called a widow or widower. When a parent loses their child, there isn't a word to describe them."
Hello. We are Dawni (camelopardalisinblue), Beth (betwixtthepages) and Joanne (MagicalJoey), and we've got an article about something serious for you all today.
We'd like to talk about pregnancy and infant loss.
According to a 2004 National Vital Statistics Report issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), in 2000, 15.6% (or 1,003,000 of the 6,401,000 pregnancies in the US) ended in either a miscarriage or a stillbirth; the CDC also indicates that in 2003 the number of live births in the US was 4,093,000. Of those births, 27,500 ended in the death of an infant under the age of one.
Some of you may know that October is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month, and others may already know that October 15, in particular, is a special day in the babyloss communities. Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness month came about to inform and provide resources for parents who have lost children due to miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, molar pregnancy, stillbirths, birth defects, SIDS, and other causes; and in fact, October 15, International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day, is host to a special event every year called the 'Wave of Light'.
At 7pm local time, people all over will be lighting candles for pregnancy and infant loss - a beautiful 'wave' of light spreading across the world. Many bereaved parents find great solace in this joining of hearts, and those who have not lost their own infant or child are welcome to join in memory of siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins or even friends' losses.
Our Stories
Several of us on the BurdenedHearts team have suffered losses of this kind, and three of us have worked together on this article to increase awareness in time for the Wave of Light on October 15.
All of our experiences are unique and personal, and we ask that you read our stories with compassion and kindness.
Pregnancy and Infant LossFrom as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a mother. I would lie in my bed at night with my doll under my nightie (night shirt) and pretend I was giving birth to it. I would then hold it and rock it and pretend to let it drink – all, except the birth, I had learned from watching my mother with my brothers.
Growing up with a Christian background I knew that sex before marriage was not approved of and I took that as a value and moral belief for myself – not because I was forced to but because that was something that was important to me. I grew up, and older, and as 16, 18, 21 passed and I had never had a boyfriend I began to despair that my dream of having a family and children whom I would shower with love every day was never going to happen.
In 2007 I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). That turned my despair into hopelessness. I was already on the pill because I either bled to death or didn’t bleed at all, and that combined with PCOS
Mature Content
Elyssami Faith and Mykelti Noah (TRIGGER)When my first pregnancy occured, I was 13 years old and terrified. This baby had not come about consensually and I didn't have a clue what to do about it all. I'm ashamed to say I hated and resented the baby growing inside me because I was so afraid. I believed/felt that the baby was a boy, but I didn't care to name him. Out of fear and hope, I told my father I was pregnant, knowing what he'd do. My father arranged things, and in a horrific ceremony, my son died. The whole thing was so traumatic that I repressed it all for many years. When it returned, I began to sort through my emotions and experiences. I named my son Mykelti Noah. His first name is an African name meaning close to God, and Noah traditionally means peace or comfort. Together, I interpret his name as "at peace with God", which gives me comfort. Although I recognise that I could not have given him a safe family life, I still grieve his loss and have come to love the innocent baby he could have been.
In the meantime, I g
Offering Comfort
When someone you know loses a child, you may feel awkward, inadequate or uncomfortable about offering comfort. You may fear to reopen pain and wounds by talking about their baby, or you may just want to brush it all under the rug. Some things you might want to say are well meant but actually painful and insensitive for a grieving parent, so we have included some of the most common ones here under "Things Not To Say"; and because sometimes it's helpful to have some alternatives, we've also included a few "Things To Say".
Things Not To Say
- "You need to get over it."
Trust us -- you don't ever get over losing a baby or a child, it's not something a bandaid can fix. You learn, instead, to live around the space of your loss. - "You're still young, you can have another one."
We don't want another one, we want the baby we've lost; the person we had so many hopes and dreams for. - "It wasn't a real baby anyway."
Whether our loss was a miscarriage, a stillbirth,or an ectopic or molar pregnancy, that baby was real to us. We nourished him inside our bodies. We had hopes and dreams for her. We may have had scans that showed his little heart beating; or counted her ten tiny fingers; or we may have nothing to show for this little life but a deep and real sense of grief and loss. - "I know how you feel. When my dog/grandfather/someone else died, I was really upset too."
We appreciate that you're offering us something to relate to, but please don't presume to know how we feel. Losing your dog or your grandfather is a terrible thing, but it is not the same as losing your baby. And even those of us who've been in similar circumstances can't know how it feels for another person.Things To Say
- "I'm sorry."
Any version of this is acceptable in most situations, and this is no exception. Be honest and be real in your compassion, and we'll appreciate the thought. - "I'm here if you want to talk or just be heard. I'm here if you just want company."
Again, be honest and real in your compassion - don't offer these things if you aren't going to be able/willing to follow through, but if you are, they are definitely well appreciated. - Our baby's name.
This one can be really personal, so please don't be offended if someone asks you not to talk about their baby/child, but most of the bereaved mothers I know do like to hear their baby's name in the mouths of others.SUMMATION
- "I'm sorry."
October 15th is Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Day; at 7 pm, people all over the world will be lighting candles to remember the pregnancies and infants they lost too soon. Join us in memoriam and love.
And please, feel free to share your own stories of loss, or reach out to those who have been affected by these losses.
Our Team
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